Changes

Hello my love

It's been quiet here for a long time. That's because quite a few things have changed in the last few months. I need to start the story a little earlier...

At the beginning of the year, my employer informed me that I would be laid off at the end of May 2025, even though I was just starting to recover from a very difficult period of mental health struggles. Furthermore, my personal life was in complete disarray at that time. I was having serious relationship problems with my partner, which almost led to a breakup, and I also lost my best friend because she hurt me more deeply than almost anyone else ever has. During this time, I was also smoking a lot of marijuana and occasionally drinking alcohol to numb my feelings and thoughts.

After finding out about this from my employer, my world collapsed again! And then, when I learned something else about my partner that completely sent me into a rage, and I lost it so completely that I stepped on our coffee table barefoot, ended up with a hole in my foot, and had to go to the hospital for stitches, I was truly at my breaking point again, so mentally unwell that I couldn't see any point in anything anymore. So my therapist decided that I needed to go back into crisis intervention, which I did shortly afterward. I stayed there for five weeks.

I then informed my employer that I would definitely not be coming to work until the end of May, after they had initially promised to support me and then terminated my employment two months later. But I don't want to go into that in more detail now.

After the crisis intervention, I felt better, but I was still smoking weed and alcohol was still an issue. Binge eating was also still a problem, which weighed heavily on me.

But the longer I was away from the pressure of work, the more stable I became. I then voluntarily went to addiction counseling, which ultimately helped me to completely quit smoking weed and drinking in June, and after being weed-free for two weeks, I no longer had any desire for cigarettes.

During this time, while I was in addiction therapy, I also had a meeting with the disability insurance (IV), my job coach at the time, and my therapist, where it was made clear once again that I was no longer able to work and should be entitled to a disability pension. That was a huge relief for me!

So when I finally stopped all those substances, the withdrawal hit... And it was brutal at first... Not because I had cravings, but because everything was so bleak. Nothing was fun anymore, everything was boring, I was constantly tired, slept almost all the time, and couldn't accomplish much. And that went on for months! I was mildly depressed, I'd lost the desire to do crafts, to continue working on my website, or to pursue any other plans or motivate myself for anything.

Blue was completely neglected because I simply didn't have the energy to go out with her... I really thought this was my life now! My weight increased and my motivation to do anything decreased. But I stayed clean and still am. However, I felt very lonely because, since I was no longer working, I had no social contacts and, to be honest, no one ever checked in on me. That's something that still makes me very sad today, but I've come to accept it.

Then, in October, came the big turning point. Things slowly started looking up again, my energy returned, and so did my motivation. So, my partner Kim and I decided it was time to make a change! He'd told me while we were shopping that I shouldn't buy him sweets or junk food anymore, as he wanted to pay more attention to his diet since he'd gained weight himself and it was bothering him. So, we decided to tackle it together. And that's exactly what we did!

On October 14, 2025, we started cutting out junk food, fast food, and sweets. I started counting calories again, as this is the easiest way for me to keep my eating habits under control. And it's worked surprisingly well so far! First, I started replacing one meal with a protein shake. Since it was a chocolate shake, it worked really well, and I had absolutely no cravings for sweets. I also started intermittent fasting. First with 12:12, then 14:10, and then 16:8. Then I also started substituting things. For example, I started having protein puddings as a sweet treat or dessert, incorporating protein quark into my breakfast, and using protein chips as an alternative to regular chips. And now I only eat whole-grain rye bread or rye crispbread. There are also more vegetables and fruits on the menu now, which were practically nonexistent before. And so, over the last two and a half months, I've established a sustainable, healthier diet, without starving myself and still getting enough to eat. I usually only eat twice a day and only consume 1800 calories. I've also started taking Blue on regular, longer walks. At first, I overdid it a bit and ended up with quite a bit of foot and back pain!

And so I now have a daily deficit of around 800-1000 kcal and have already lost 14 kilos in 2.5 months.

And another thing that's happened again is that I've rediscovered the joy of crafting for Christmas. Furthermore, in November I finally received my positive decision from the disability insurance (IV) and have been receiving my disability pension since the beginning of December, in addition to my pension fund payments. So, quite a few things did take a turn for the better towards the end of the year.

What I have definitely become aware of this year is that changes also bring opportunities, and the change of stopping substance use has led to me being much more stable today, having fewer severe symptoms, and being ready for even more changes, proving that it is never too late to change something.

With that in mind, my dears, changes are opportunities!

I wish you all a wonderful day and I hope you all had a lovely Christmas! ❤️