Brunhilde and I

Hello my love,

Perhaps some of you have already wondered why my blog is called "Brunhilde and I" and who Brunhilde actually is, or perhaps not. Nevertheless, I'd like to introduce Brunhilde to you in my very first post.

Brunhilde is my alter ego, practically the name for my illness. It makes it easier for me to cope if I don't have to talk about borderline personality disorder or complex PTSD, but can simply say it's because of Brunhilde. It makes it a bit more "fun," even though it's anything but.

Brunhilde is the dark side of me that constantly tells me how awful I am and keeps putting nasty things into my head. Of course, she doesn't actually exist, and I don't hear any voices, but it's like a malevolent inner voice that constantly accompanies me and severely impacts my life. She's responsible for my self-harm, my fear of abandonment, my flashbacks to trauma, my pushing away of people who are very important to me, and my unhealthy attempts to please people who aren't good for me. She's also responsible for my panic attacks, addiction problems, and eating disorder.

As you can see, she is responsible for many negative things in my life that I have to fight against every day.

My former best friend once asked me if I wasn't grateful for the things that happened to me, so that I could learn from them and the traumas had made me stronger...

To that I must say quite clearly, NO! I am not grateful for any of the traumas I have experienced. I am not grateful for a single serious injury in my life, because they haven't made me stronger; they have led to me feeling like I have to fight for my life every single day. Having to reassess every day how much meaning it has to be in this world. They are the reason why I have lost trust in people and why it is difficult for me to believe that there are people who truly mean well and who like me.

Anyone who truly believes that trauma makes you stronger has no idea what it's like to have to live with these illnesses.

Unfortunately, there are no suitable medications for borderline personality disorder that simply alleviate the symptoms, as is the case with depression or ADHD. With borderline personality disorder, one has to work on oneself every day, controlling emotions, recognizing early warning signs and developing coping skills in time, and ensuring that tension never becomes too high, because otherwise there is a risk of an emotional explosion. This is very demanding and requires a great deal of self-knowledge.

Unfortunately, I still don't really have it under control, which is why Brunhilde is often still very present, especially when things are chaotic in my life, which is currently the case, or rather has been for more than 4 years.

But I'll tell you more about that in later posts. I'll also share my experiences with the skills and the symptoms in more detail.

How do you properly end a blog post like this? I have no idea... :-)

I wish you a lovely day, best wishes.